OK listen up: just to be clear, I do not know Jared Padalecki, nor has he ever personally done anything to me to earn my unadulterated hatred or even mild dislike. I’m sure that Jared Padalecki is a swell guy. He probably adopts kittens from animal shelters and gives them to dying orphans with twenty-dollar bills tied around their necks (the kittens, not the orphans). That said, I think the guy still deserves to be punched in the junk.
It would probably be best at this point to clarify. For those who don’t know, Jared Padalecki is one of the stars of the popular television show Supernatural. My fiance is a huge fan of the show and, being a good boyfriend, for Christmas this past year, I bought her Season Six on DVD. As far as decisions go, this was slightly better than playing Russian Roulette with a machine gun. Buying Supernatural for a woman is spiritually akin to buying her pornography–but with better looking actors.
Jared Padalecki plays the role of Sam, a smart, sensitive Joe who, along with his brother, battles monsters and demons and other meanies from Hell–all while questioning the moral and ethical implications of demon slaying. Basically, the guy is a saint. And if that’s not enough, he also happens to speak a number of archaic languages; is an expert with guns, knives, and hand-to-hand combat; and was accepted to law school at Stanford, but gave it all up to save the world. Strength and sensitivity, brains and badassery, the guy is portrayed as the essentially perfect male specimen. Women see this and it sets a standard that no man could possibly live up to. Dammit, it’s not fair! And it gets worse!
Lest you think that I succumb to hyperbole, let’s compare the average man to Jared Padalecki.
Ok, this is probably not what the average man looks like, but doesn’t it make you feel so much better about yourself?
That’s right. Gaze upon the rock-hard, chiseled form and despair. This guy’s groin has its own six-pack!
While I have no doubt of my fiance’s faithfulness, I fully acknowledge that a woman can only take so much temptation. Under the right circumstances, I could probably be convinced to sleep with the guy. I can only be thankful that my fiance has not called off the wedding in light of an illicit affair with our DVD player. That said, I would just like to say that I hate you, Jared Padalecki. Your godlike physique and breathtaking good looks are an affront to the natural evolution of mankind, and it will only lead to the extinction of our species. After being exposed to your anatomical perfection, how can a woman ever be satisfied with the rest of us? You’ve doomed us all. Shame on you, Jared Padalecki. Shame.